I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize