im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
Randomize
