my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
