I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
