I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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