I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Randomize
