Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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