found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
