Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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