Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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