remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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