So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
