apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
