Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
