I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
