Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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