I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
