sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize