Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
