All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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