Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Randomize
