even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Randomize
