I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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