I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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