Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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