woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
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