Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I need to calm my uterus...
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
