just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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