Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
