How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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