I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
