All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
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