Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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