You're a womanizer and a bitch.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
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