i think my mom watched the whole time
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Randomize
