Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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