I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
Randomize
