some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
