maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
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