Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Randomize
