The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
