I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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