I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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