I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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