I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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