how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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