May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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