did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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