well I can't set my house on fire every night
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
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