she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
