So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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