I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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