He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
