beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
