If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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