be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Randomize
