I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
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