i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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