Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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