I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
