he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
