Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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