Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
