Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Randomize
